Letting you go

I can honestly say I never saw this day coming

Yes it was never perfect but it was what I had and what I was happy with

There were some pretty low times between us but even after that we were OK

When I got the news of my health and it being such a serious diagnosis I immediately shut down

I knew you couldn’t deal with it

I knew I had to hold myself up 

You seemed to just disappear as each day passed by

The pain of losing a part of my body was grief I can never explain

Yes it was taking away the tumour but it was my body and something I still to this day can’t quite process 

There were such dark times 

And you had always been my light

But you were nowhere to be seen

You just vanished

The nights got lonelier as you spent them out with people who you’d known such a short time 

Over me, who you’d been with almost 8 years

I could see the deadness in your eyes 

I could not convince myself of any other excuse other than the burning brightness of you had let me go

It’s such a hard pill to swallow

Realising your whole life is changing 

Without your control

Without your fault

No blame

Just pain and surgery and treatment that strips away all you ever had taking you to the core in the hope of ridding you of a disease that will surely take with it, your life

But with all this as well?

No passion or compassion

Just anger and disgust 

Boaring into me as I sat there in pain from chemo 

No energy to fight for us 

Can’t win a losing battle

Can’t fight if you are not even looking up

You had no intention of saving this ship

We were truly doomed and you did not even look back to see the damage

You were pages ahead in this twisted tale 

I was just a bystander in the end

Watching as you took it all away from me

The memories snapped into pictures existed now as only memories 

The kindness in your eyes had died

That look I used to fear was now the constant

I cry because I miss it

I cry because I thought it was deeper than it ever was

It was only ever surface level and that hurts to accept

I gave myself to you 

Fully and unapologetically 

And you didn’t even pick it up

Not really 

Not really

I tried 

I always met you halfway

I did all I could 

I was not always right but I did try 

I will just have to stop looking over my shoulder

You were never behind me 

You were never trying to catch me up

We weren’t even on the same page

Our story has been written

The ending was abrupt but coming 

Just like the rings in the boxes hidden out of sight

The pictures boxed up and never to see the light

We are done 

It will take some time to really move passed it all

But that is the only path I have 

KP nuts

Over and out 

Lights out 

Door closed 

Through the rain

Get up even in the cold rooms 

Heating is not needed today

For today you are leaving 

The bags piled high in what was once a happy love filled room 

The clothes strewn on the bed as you decide what you want right now and what can wait 

The cats sit in boxes on the floor watching you 

Tears fall

This has got to be a joke right 

Sick little joke that no one laughs at

Just awkward silence filling the air 

But no, no it’s not

It’s real

The rings that once sat around my fingers showing devotion and commitment are now boxed up and cold

The fingers look bare and alone

Like I felt those nights before the final sentence was given on our whole relationship 

The history was not even given in evidence 

It was just decision made and case closed 

No desire to fight for it 

No desire to change the sentence or even negotiate 

You were done and the finality of it all was so cold, so stern and so emotionless

I have spent some time building my heart and mind back up 

Like my life hasn’t been tough enough after the big C crashed the party last year 

Leaving behind a tumour that would threaten my life 

With treatment that would push me to the brink 

With insomnia and pain being the shadow that followed me for days and weeks after 

But no you had more up your sleeve 

Like the magic show turn horror

You had more to serve

The end of a marriage and a life I had come to rely on so heavily through all these chaotic paths I was being led upon 

I could barely catch my breath at moments 

They would drag me from my gravity and hurl me into such dismay 

Those two beauts looking at me with questions 

My cats were my crutch through it all 

Those long days that never ended, in pain and isolation were warmed by their presence 

And now I’m without that 

I sit with my whole life in boxes and bags 

Charity aplenty as I shed my past

As I shed my skin 

As I rebuild my heart and soul 

As my gut screams loud with I told you so 

The lights from cars break my stare 

The lights in my garden which once brought some peace, now bring fear 

For I am now to rebuild 

Rebuild in my weakest chapter 

Rebuild as my body fights this illness 

Rebuild my life 

Choose my new home 

Choose my new life 

Find myself once more 

I know I will 

My higher self always had my back 

She has never left my side 

I do not feel alone because I am not 

This is a fight for my life 

A fight for my smile and happiness 

My heart will be ok 

My family gather together and protect me 

They collect me and my possessions and they fit them in

They create the security and protection that I want and need 

They hug me tight 

They give me the warmth and support that I always needed

That I always had

My pooches will be with me soon 

My life is in build mode 

I have unlimited choices 

When one door closes 

Another becomes ajar 

I will be ok 

I trust in my creator 

And that creator is me 

This too shall pass

Today was the end of a long time coming 

I can recall the whole ordeal like a distorted scary movie you saw as a youngster that never left your mind 

The dates the expressions, the punchy one liners after diagnosis to the white noise that squealed so loud my ears bled after the separation 

The days that hit me so hard, that I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again in that tunnel 

The tunnel… had never been so long 

And to walk it alone is not easy 

Over these months though my fears I had have diminished 

Blood tests, weight being measured, admissions to hospitals, needles, pain, fatigue, nausea, dehydration, facing mortality, isolation, financial struggles, abandonment, separation, losing parts of your body and battling with parts of your mind 

The side effects varied 

Peripheral neuropathy and morphine were never what I’d known about until this time 

This year has been endless and yet this part is done

This year has broken me 

Yet today I rang the bell for completion 

My emotions are lost in a cluster fcuk of thoughts emotions bewilderment and anger 

They can’t be, because I’m feeling it all simultaneously 

They can’t escape because I’m locked up 

What is all this nonsense 

How was this ever possible 

How have I done it

How did I carry on 

This is not a battle with cancer 

This is a war with yourself 

You have to trust fast and dig so deep your hands will never heal from the dragging of ruins below you 

The hole is dark and you are covered in all the scars and pain and poison flows around your body like a power cut on your health 

You have to witness your appearance change in ways no Snapchat filter could ever really prepare you for 

You have to watch the fear and pain deepen and embed in everyone you knows eyes

You have to drag yourself out of bed in agony you could never describe to just shower and eat 

You can’t keep your breath at 36 when you’ve spent 3 years lifting weights 

You get dizzy making a coffee 

Too much is taken but you sign the contracts and you accept the consequences because life is important 

Yes it’s a new world for me now 

Yes it’s a new process 

Plans will not be as they once were and patience is my new religion 

I am being kind to myself because I have to be, yet, I mourn my previous life and body 

My path is different but it’s the clearest path I’ve ever seen 

My life is different but it is what it is, and I will live it to the full 

My heart is hurt, but will heal 

My bodies scarred, but is stronger 

My mind is baffled, but is finding the answers and the storage for processing and moving forward 

 

Today marked the end of 8 cycles of chemo 

Four EC with 4 admissions

Four Paclitaxal with 2 admissions 

Picc Line in and then out 

Blood results were up every test, even when I caught Covid 

Weight gained but due to meds

Codeine and morphine for pain 

I rang the bell today 

And I am proud of myself 

Because after all the fear tears and sleepless nights 

I’m at the light in this tunnel 

I’ve got respite to come and then I go again!