This is how I’ll separate us from me
This is how I’ll accept what’s been and take with me what I choose
This is the last step
I’m stood there and I’m praying you don’t arrive
I’m praying because to see you would hurt
To see you would make all this too real
Like it’s not real already
I take the stick and I start to make a line
I’ve been overwhelmed for so long now I’m hoping this will bring me relief
I can’t keep up as the memories fall onto me
From a height they crash down around me
I’m right back in nights out and giggling fits
Our morning rituals and our road trips
The holidays and the tanning and the relaxing
The sceneries we have etched into our soul over that decade
The anniversaries and the romantic times
The future plans and the world we created
It was just us and we made it last and made it work
The shadows of grief and arguments and fear are also surrounding the bright skies
I can’t ignore them and I can’t forget the scars they left behind
It was enough though, that’s what I’d said
It was enough for me and I was happy with my lot
I wasn’t excited or loved up anymore but I was accepting the fate
It’s hard to let it go
I’m stood here now before this line and this weight I have carried however much it’s left bruises and pain; I’m reluctant to let it go
I’m scared to put it down for the final time
Like I know it’s over but I’ve carried it around with me
Like a little stone in my shoe
I know it’s causing me problems but to stop and resolve it could slow me down or trip me up on this path
I don’t want to be alone
I hear my mind say
I don’t want to be alone
But in truth I was alone in that place
I was alone in that bed
We had lost tracks and direction
We had fallen apart and hadn’t found ways to fix it
We had lost the reasons to try
We were no longer a team but a you and an I
So I shan’t lose the sleep over the fear of abandonment because I had been abandoned
By her
But also by me
By accepting that fate at that time
I had accepted the scraps I was given
That empty plate as I sat there starving
I darent ask for more
I just took what was offered and stayed silent
I didn’t stand up for myself
I didn’t fight for the love I thought we had
I just softened into the background
As my skin grew pale and my hair began to fall
As the chemo took a hold of my body and my health
As it thrashed itself through my veins attacking all I’d ever worked for
That vibrancy and life
That smile and that reason to live
Just contrast to a dark room with the dim lights and pale existence fading away
As you took more and more time away from me
I tried harder to be “normal”
I pushed this pain down and this sickness
Even when my body had become frail and I had no energy I still tried to make it better
But the fight had been lost
It was like the end credits had been rolling but nobody had told me
Like the audience had walked out and I still thought they were near
But I knew deep down
I’d always known deep down this could never go the full way
This could never be forever
Because that moment appeared more and more
Those thoughts of I deserve better
They got louder and louder
So yeah to fear the loneliness is silly
Because I’ve felt alone for years
Even if we shared a name and a house and a mortgage and a life
I felt alone
That’s the real T
So I draw this line in the sand
And I put down the bags
I let the memories spill out over the line and be submerged into the sand like water on a hot day
I will take the lessons and leave the fear
I will take the moments and leave the shame
I will leave the regrets but take the courage
I will walk away with myself intact
Knowing that I always knew the ending
It was never a huge shock
But I guess a part of me had hoped it wasn’t true and that we’d get through any knock
But the truth is painful when it ends so much life
When it takes a dream and reality and entwines them
When it takes energy and gives you back stress
But this line is final
No turning back the pages
No reliving the decisions
Just allowing it to be what it may
And accepting it all today.
