As I sit sorting out pill boxes for what feels like the longest time
What now I hear my head ask
As I wake up in pain and numbness but have work to get to and bills to pay
What now as I get myself to my four weekly visit at the doctors hoping the emla cream is in the right spot so it doesn’t leave me in pain all day following my zoladex
What now as I look at letters that fall through my door with appointments and injections and blood forms
What now as I sit celebrating another 12 months since the start of this reality the one I thought would now be just a memory
What now as I get out of breath walking to my car or around the shops or on my way to lesson
What now as the bloods come back showing markers for things the treatment to save me caused
What now as I see the bruises sit for months longer than they used to
What now as I fight the side effects of the meds that are here to save me
What now when I get kept up at night from the hard parts of my body that were never there before
What now as I look at my reflection in the mirror and still see the fear
What now as another headline drops of another diagnosis
What now as I look ahead and see no time passed this
What now as I feel so numb I’m scared I’m even here
What now as another surgery is booked and another life changing procedure
What now as I see the scars cement to me like that ongoing nightmare
What now
What now
What do we do now
Who do I talk to now
How do we get through this
How do we ever get over this
How can I ever live with this
What now
No leaflets for this time
No support groups for this
This is the abyss
I am staring at what will always be here
Like an unwanted tattoo or ex
I can’t forget it
What now ?
