You know how relentless this all is
Who gives a fcuk about how frigging much we weigh whilst we do it
Yes don’t become morbidly obese
Yes don’t affect your health with weight
But societal pressures can go fuck itself as far as I’m concerned
All this “journey” BS
This is relentless and changes our psyche in ways only us as individuals will ever really know
We can’t scream or shout about it
It won’t make any difference
It is a disability
I feel disabled by it often and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it
I can’t just throw in the towel
I can’t give up
It just rolls on and on like a payday in January
Just heavier and heavier on my heart and soul
Family are grieving, but it’s not the same as it is for me
Not one bit
If I was ever honest enough like I am now, about how hard it really is?
I’d break their hearts
I already feel guilt for it
Like I chose this
Like the buffet option was breast cancer and I put it on my plate
Like I put a bid on it
The higher the price the worse it became
It took everything really
The carpet from under me and the reality as I knew it
Not the same walls
Not the same country
Not the same company
Just all new and different
Can’t go back
Can’t get back there
No way back
No way back whatever I tell myself
No new normal
No “normal” at all
It was caught early they said
It would be over in six months they said
Biggest lie
Biggest scam
Biggest challenge
Not just with the medication or the side effects or the loss of my body parts, or hair, or dignity, or relationship, or realising the truth about my friends and family,
and who is REALLY there but also to keep going
To carry on carrying on because I had dreams
I had plans
I had ideas for my life
What would you say to me now
Now you know
The reality of my heart and mind
As I struggle to drag my beaten soul from my bed in the morning
As I walk with tired painful limbs
Bruised and broken from IV drips and blood tests and my weight going up and down
Appetite is just done
Eyes are sore and sting
From the daylight and the online research
Keeps me up at night, my personal insomnia
All that scrolling through the reality I am faced with
That group I joined
That group I am a member of
The life time membership
But I’m not done
I’m not bailing
I have been loyal since my day dot and I don’t intend on changing that
Yes my personality has changed somewhat maybe and my humour got darker and my eyes look heavy and my body is slower
But I’m still here
Still expecting the sun to shine down on me
Even through the storms
Even through the floods
Even through the fear and the pain
Don’t ever underestimate me
Or my ability
I rose from the depths
I rose from the fatigue
I rose from the ashes
