The sweat and tears falling down my face
My breath is so out of time I can hardly catch it
I am so determined to complete this
I am so pissed off this path was ever mine
I stop to look how far I’ve come and my eyes fill with salty tears
I’m so fricking proud but so overwhelmed
I barely believe you as you tell me of the times that have gone by
The pictures of me still bring disbelief
Like a badly filtered picture I barely recognise myself
For there was a day before all this where I lived with such a carefree attitude
Where I believed I drove my life and chose the direction
But it turns out I merely observe
I am just sat watching like a cinema filled with people
We are simply behind the screen
We cannot direct it all
The vast majority of it will happen and we have no control
No control at all
That’s one for the books as they say
I was so sure I controlled it
I thought I could change peoples opinions of me and make them like me and that I could make my life anything
I could be anything
Go anywhere
But some parts are small print
And I never read it
The parts about disease and luck and diagnosis
That it could happen to me
And that no amount of “well it won’t” or “it can’t” will stop it
It won’t knock the door
It won’t even tell you it’s here
It will just be there
And I will be left to deal with it
Manage it
Treat it
Drag myself through the toughest of days with no energy and just this overwhelming feeling of suffocation
Suffocation on the reality of it all
As I look back on this time
Being back at work in November to finding you in December and making jokes about it
To the diagnosis in Feb followed by surgery in April and now as I get through each harsh cycle of chenicals, as time and life just slips away
I shall remember my reactions
How calm I was throughout
How I carried on working until the last minute
How I remained positive
How I grieved for my body as it was taken away
How I learned to love the new me
How I am able to forgive myself more and more as time goes by
That I realise there is no blame
That this was not my fault
That this was not in hate or punishment
That for most things in life there is no reason
No explanation
No control
I long for the life where I thought I could control
Where I navigated through the nights
Thinking I was driving
Merely observing
Merely a passenger
But here I am
You should see the views…
