The hall is full
They all brought tickets to see this expression of reality from you tonight
They are all chatting about what they think you will say
Making there hasty guesses about the unfortunate reality my actual existence has taken on
The path that was never there
It was never there yet here I am on it
The under foot is hard to navigate and my feet have been bleeding for months
Yet still I keep going because what other options are there
Options give the image of choice
like I have choices to make about how I wish to live my life
What a lie
Full on lies
I am stood at the side of the stage and my hands are shaking
My arm still burns when I try and outstretch to balance myself from the dizziness this is giving
What went wrong
How did I end up here
How did anyone ever end up here
I walk out
Applause
Then silence
That’s my cue
Am I a victim or am I a survivor
What would you say?
Have I really survived this yet
Am I through the woods
Never an expression I understood more
I was living the life I had always wanted
I’d stood up to myself and I pushed the return of my job
I stayed because I was so sick of running
I had ran from several jobs in the past and didn’t want that to define me
I took a while to warm to my learners and the reality that I had been that teacher who didn’t turn up and being unable to explain why was hard
Even with my role I don’t like lying to them
Finding out what I had was the hardest reality check
It made me see life for the fragility it really was
All this poker face shit was for nothing in the end because I could no longer hide
I ignored it daily
Then the inevitability of this disease - the op date
Just surreal
I was so strong
I couldn’t even recognise myself
The beauty of my ASD is I can mask so well
Years of practice
It was so believable
I was so happy on the ward
Opportunities to talk to people who like me were experiencing such a trauma in their life
Such a scary reality and we all lay with our beds all facing each other
Didn’t feel alone
P made me feel better
A song
Please make it better - strongest lyric I’ve ever read
I just want me back
The girl I was
I was so happy with how far I’d grown from the heap I was this time last year
Didn’t want applause
Just wanted the lesson of life to resonate
To remind you all that time does not wait
Life does not wait
Before you know it your time is up or altered and that’s it
No rewind
No genie in a lamp
No prayer can stop the reality
