Not all doom and gloom

 What is there to be from all of this really

Are we to look back in horror and clench at the conversations around us as people whisper lies about the actual reality of COVID

Are we to pipe up and wave our hands and say we know we know we were here

Look at how the historians change and merge truths with propaganda to fear factor a new generation

People will be afraid to hug or dance at weddings

the elderly of our society will be left alone in fear of causing them harm

Health will never be the same

Thats what they want us to think isn't it?

Just completely lose ourselves in this crazy dream that does not need to be awoken from

No not i, sir

Not i at all

We congregated and communicated through the one invention we all thought was full of hate

we created groups of people we loved online and braced ourselves for online calls

we went on video with our favourite drink and toasted into the new year with tears for the sorrow we felt for those we were missing

we set alarms for the early start on christmas day to make sure we have enough time with those we had not seen in over 9 months

we cheered on a thurs and celebrated an institution that was always here since 1948 but now had meaning and a link to our feelings

they made us better

who knew after all this time

the calls for sickness and illness reduced to leave the lines free for those who were actually struggling

people worked

missed colleagues

mental health rose

but we were all in it together

it was not all doom and gloom

we all gathered around the television on the PM announcements

the country split up

like we were all isolated countries forgetting that we were all one once

shops closed

the streets were empty

I kept up the walking into the city centre

in the wind rain, hail and even snow

we saw our breathe in the dusk as we looked up at empty buildings that were once so full of souls and life

birthday parties were for the bubble only

video calls and candles 

voicenotes became the new hug

we all just carried on

just like they always said we did in the history books

like the British do

And all this without a manual

without a previous example

without a google answer

we did it though

together we are strong

Not all doom and gloom

And then what

Am I supposed to just carry on like it’s fine

Is it supposed to be fine

I can’t fucking tell anymore

But I know I’m exhausted 

And I know for the most part this just makes me feel crappy

I didn’t expect this nor do I want it again

But sometimes in life this is all we actually need

Just that pick me up

That feeling of being needed

The attention even

But for how long until that spell goes out 

Until I am left just feeling abused on some floor in the middle of nowhere

I can’t tell anyone 

No one would understand 

They never do

Our minds our own worlds

They are not for the faint hearted 

They are not to be understood or explained

They are just instant pictures and messages like an over subscribed Snapchat account

I don’t even understand the lingo anymore anyway

I don’t have the time to learn 

It just makes me feel old

Older by the year but still with a young heart

My cardiologist told me that at least

A young heart

One that is still capable of being bruised and hurt by people who do not understand my motive

Never a negative feeling 

Just a want to support and guide people

To the detriment of my own minds world

To the detriment of my own emotions

That battered bruised heart just sat there in a pool of pain 

Me just trying to find that last piece to a puzzle I created through inception

Knowing I could fix it

Knowing they knew I could fix it

Call me Bob the fcuking builder

I have so many tools

So much time for anyone but myself

Not in some self obsessed or please feel sorry for me bull shit

But because it’s how I am

Always have been 

I will help a stranger a friend or a foe

I will cross bridges of heights I feel scared of

I will dive into the depths of the watery hell that is my fear to catch your bracelet

I won’t give up

I cannot walk away

I have to be left

But with that being left leaves me emotionally damaged and in need of something new

Constant cycles of no real smiles 

But that feeling when I’m making a difference

That is the best feeling in the world 

I could climb so high

On the adrenaline of feeling alive

Necessary 

Needed

Asked for

Validation at the highest degree